


Attachment is the Source of all Suffering

by orphan_account



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But whatever, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I can't do tags at 2am, Not entirely sure what universe it's in, Well mostly happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 15:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9242204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: If Jyn doesn't get attached, she can't get hurt. So why is she so interested in Cassian?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this at 8pm. It is now 2am. I was going to have an early night. I don't know what my life is any more.
> 
> Essentially this is set in a variant of the US's future where there is a civil war between two factions - the Empire and the Resistance. Yes, I know the Empire fought the Alliance and the Resistance fought the First Order, but I wrote 6000 words using Empire vs Resistance and I can't be bothered to go back and change it right now. Sorry.
> 
> I apologise for the undoubtedly numerous mistakes and hopefully I'll remember to come back and edit this in the morning. I hope it makes some kind of vague sense <3

“I love you, Papa.”

“I love you too, Stardust.”

Jyn gave her father one last hug before climbing out of the car, swinging her backpack over one shoulder. She ran her eyes appraisingly over the drab, brown, slightly dilapidated buildings of Yavin IV High School.

“Good luck!” Her father called out.

Jyn turned and gave him a wry smile. She didn’t have high hopes that this would be any better than the last four schools she’d been to – but then, chances were her dad would be reassigned again in a few months and she’d be on the move again.

The car pulled away with a squeal of tires, and Jyn turned back towards the school. Setting her jaw, she started to trudge towards the front gates. There were already people milling around outside – laughing, catching up, smoking under the trees. The atmosphere seemed lighter and more friendly than Wobani High – but then, that wasn’t difficult. Wobani had been the high school equivalent of a maximum security prison.

Feeling eyes on her, Jyn glanced to her left to see a boy sat on a bench, his pale eyes staring straight at her. In his hands he clasped a white stick – a seeing-eye stick, she realised after a moment.

Great. Now her paranoia extended to thinking she was being watched by the blind.

Quickly glancing away before his friends noticed her staring, Jyn quickened her pace towards reception. The faster she could get away from all these people, the less likely she was to accidentally make a scene. She had no wish to repeat the mess of Wobani again.

Her papa would kill her if she repeated the mess of Wobani again.

Finally reaching reception, Jyn pushed open the door and stepped in. She was instantly hit with the scent of air freshener and carpet cleaner – the typical ‘school after the holidays’ smell. The reception area was small but light, with potted plants dotted all around it. Yavin IV was very green, Jyn had noticed already – a complete contrast to the metal of Wobani.

“Good morning.” The lady at the reception desk smiled at Jyn. “How can I help you?”

“Jyn Erso. I’m a new transfer student.” Jyn could have done this routine in her sleep.

“Ahh, Miss Erso! Welcome to Yavin IV High School. I have your class list here – you’re with Mr Ackbar for registration. And here’s a map of the school. I’m sure that Mr Ackbar can arrange for someone to show you around for your first day if you would like.”

“Thank you.” Jyn took the proferred pieces of paper and glanced at them. She was in the same classes as she had been at Wobani – reassuring – and the map looked easy enough to follow. The school only had four main buildings, and whilst the architect had left a lot of green space between them, nothing should be difficult to find.

“As you’ve transferred in the middle of a year your teachers might set you little tests to do to check your progress. I don’t suppose you have a progress report from your previous school?”

“No. Sorry.” Jyn didn’t particularly want to know what Wobani would have said in a progress report.

“Would you like someone to show you where you are for registration?”

“I’m sure I can find it myself. But thank you.”

The lady smiled again, and Jyn attempted to twitch her lips in response. She had never been particularly good at faking smiling.

Turning away, she glanced back down at the map. Naturally, her registration was in the Kenobi building – the farthest one from the reception. Still, at least the walk would let her have a look around and get her buildings.

Steeling herself, Jyn tucked the pieces of paper in her pocket and tried to mentally prepare herself for another first day at a new school.

/

“This is Jyn Erso, a new transfer student.”

Jyn resolutely met the stares of her new registration class. She noticed that the blind guy from earlier was sat at the back, next to a large boy with long, black, wavy hair. The ratio of males to females was probably four to one. But to their credit, none of the men were leering or leaning to whisper to their friends about the new girl.

For a second, her eyes met with a pair of striking brown ones. Jyn had the strangest feeling she was being sized up. Then they glanced away, she Jyn let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Please make her feel welcome here at Yavin IV. Jyn, please take a seat.”

The only spare desk was in the middle of the room, beside a guy with a pair of old-fashioned pilots goggles around his neck. He gave her a small, shy smile as she sat down.

“Hi. I’m Bodhi.”

“Jyn.” She glanced at him briefly before turning her attention back to the front of the room.

“Need any help getting to class?”

“I have a map. But thank you.” Quiet, helpful – Jyn wondered if Bodhi was the try-hard, nerdy, teacher’s pet type.

For the rest of registration, Jyn sat in silence. Mr Ackbar rattled through something about lacrosse tryouts and the Spring Ball, and she more or less tuned it out. Jyn wasn’t likely to be staying here – best not to form any attachments. Besides, she’d never really had time for extracurriculars. She was too busy helping her papa.

When the bell rang, Jyn was one of the first out of her seat, pulling her map and class schedule out of her pocket. AP English in the Amidala building. All of these long walks between buildings were going to be a bitch when it rained.

“You know, you’re over 50% more likely to make friends if you ask your classmates for directions.”

Jyn turned around to see a tall, slim boy dressed all in black. She had to crane her neck up to meet his eyes – he had to be at least a foot taller than her.

“I’m sure I’ll manage.” She retorted.

“Leave her be, Kay.” A boy stepped forwards and put his hand on Kay’s arm.

It was the owner of the brown eyes from earlier. He had a strong accent – Mexican – and up close, his looks were striking. But his face was closed off, his eyes blank. Jyn felt a shiver run through her. His face reminded her of an empty shell.

“I’m trying to help. And you accuse _me_ of social ineptitude…”

Jyn tried to ignore their conversation as she turned away, glancing back down at her map. Idly, she wondered what had happened to that boy to make him look so empty.

In an alarming way, it reminded her of herself.

/

Jyn successfully made it to lunchtime without having to talk to another soul.

As promised, all of her teachers took her aside for progress tests, to see how much of their syllabus she already knew. It was a welcome distraction – the tests were hard enough to command her whole attention, especially the history one (half of Professor Solo’s questions didn’t even make sense. And what was a professor doing teaching at a high school anyway?)

However, as she walked into the canteen, she realised her luck was out. The place was packed. All the tables were taken by at least one person, and in many cases obvious cliques – even one group all wearing bright orange jumpsuits for some reason. There was no chance she could just sit on her own and enjoy her lunch.

Grabbing a tray of something that claimed to be lamb curry – Jyn always had her doubts about cafeteria food – she glanced around for her best option.

At a table in the corner, Jyn recognised Bodhi and a couple of others from her registration class. Figuring that was as safe a bet as any, she started to head over.

“Mind if I sit here?”

“Of course not!” Bodhi smiled up at her and shuffled his chair over – mostly unnecessarily – to make room.

Jyn set her tray down and sunk into a chair.

“I’m Chirrut. I like your necklace.”

Jyn glanced at the speaker – it was the blind guy. He liked her necklace?

“How do you know I’m wearing a necklace?”

Chirrut laughed. The boy next to him sighed.

“I’m Baze. Ignore Chirrut.”

“You’re just jealous of my eyes.”

Baze grunted. Jyn glanced away, feeling like she was witnessing something personal.

“So how are you finding Yavin IV?”

Jyn looked up at Bodhi and shrugged. To her surprise, he laughed.

“Yeah, I felt the same on my first day. I transferred at the start of this year. It gets better. It’s a much nicer school than most, actually.”

“Where’d you transfer from.”

Bodhi almost looked sheepish. “One of the Empire Academies. I’d been there since I was small but… the atmosphere wasn’t for me, you know?”

Jyn’s eyes widened. “I went to an Empire Academy when I was younger.”

“Why’d you leave?” Bodhi paused. “Sorry, that’s a very personal question.”

Jyn shrugged. “My dad. Work. We move around a lot.”

“He works for the Empire?”

“He contracts.”

“Surprised he enrolled you here.”

Jyn raised an eyebrow.

“The people here aren’t exactly… fond of the Empire. They hated me when I first transferred. Took me a while to settle in and make friends, and I’m not exactly a sympathiser myself.”

“My dad hates the Empire.” As soon as she’d said it, Jyn wanted to bite the words back.

“But he works for it?” Bodhi sounded curious, but not judgemental.

Jyn wasn’t going to say any more.

There was a moment of strained silence, then another tray slammed down next to Jyn’s.

“Jyn Erso.” A familiar voice said.

Jyn turned, craning her neck upwards as she recognised the ridiculously tall boy from earlier.

“I am Kaytoo. You may call me Kay. I see you have opted for the lamb curry. That option is 20% more likely to give you food poisoning than the vegetarian alternative.”

The boy sat down in the seat next to her. She still had to almost lean back to meet his eyes. Why did anyone have to be that tall?

In response, she took a forkful of curry and shoved it into her mouth.

“Do people enjoy being contrary to my suggestions? I can assure you, I have calculated the optimum dinner for every day in this canteen, and the lamb curry is the second worst option after the Wednesday chicken drumsticks.”

“Which are delicious.” Chirrut interjected.

Baze grunted in agreement.

“Sometimes I don’t know why I bother.” Kay scooped up a forkful of his own lunch and chewed on it grumpily.

Jyn could feel a crawling sensation under her skin. She wasn’t comfortable sitting with so many people she didn’t know. On the surface of it, they all seemed fairly harmless – but years of relying on her instincts had taught her never to trust first impressions.

“Where’s Cassian?” Bodhi’s words interrupted her reverie.

“He has a meeting with Ms Mothma. I expect it’s about the computing project he doesn’t think we know about.” Kay sounded dismissive.

Bodhi hummed in acknowledgement. Jyn tried to tamp down her curiosity about who this person was. Just because she’d sat with these people for one lunchtime didn’t mean she needed to get involved in their gossip.

“You’ll meet him tomorrow.”

Jyn turned towards Chirrut, one eyebrow raised. She wondered if it would be too rude to refute his statement.

And she wondered why he was saying it with such certainty. Something about his easy confidence made her ill at ease.

The bell rang for the end of lunch before she could figure out why.

/

As it turned out, Chirrut was right – but only because the only other empty spot in the cafeteria the next day was at the table of orange jumpsuits. Jyn drew the line at sitting with such an obvious (and loud) clique.

This time, Bodhi was missing, and instead the Mexican guy was sat next to Kay. Of course. Jyn should have realised before that he was the missing Cassian.

“Excellent. The fish is a much better lunch choice.” Kay greeted her as she set her tray down.

“Glad you approve.” Jyn couldn’t help but snark back.

Her eyes slid over to Cassian. He looked tired – there were deep rings of black around his eyes. He glanced up at her as she sat down, but then looked back at his food.

“Cassian Andor.” He said simply.

“Pleasure.” Jyn quipped. She could feel irritation prickling the back of her throat, and she wasn’t sure why. She’d been having a decent day.

“You’ll be paired together for your project in history.” Chirrut announced.

Jyn glanced at him. “Predicting the future?”

Chirrut just smiled. Next to him, Baze gave a matching smirk.

“He does that. He won’t tell us how.”

Jyn turned, watching as Bodhi set down his tray and collapsed into the empty chair.

“He told me gym was going to be hell if I took it this term and I didn’t listen. Big mistake. He knows everything.”

“He likes to think he does.” Baze interjected.

“In terms of calculating probabilities, I know far more.” Kay announced.

“Yeah, but Chirrut’s fucking psychic. You use science.” Bodhi gestured with his fork as he spoke.

Jyn shook her head. She found her eye’s meeting Cassian’s again, but this time his gaze seemed warmer. She glanced away. She was becoming far too preoccupied with this boy, and they’d barely even spoken. He probably wasn’t even particularly interesting.

“Science is at the root of everything. It is far more likely to procure the correct answer than anything else.”

“What makes you so sure I don’t use science?” Chirrut sounded amused.

“You hate it.” Baze interjected.

“There is that.” Chirrut agreed.

“You have very poor taste.”

Against all odds, Jyn could feel her mouth curl up at the corners at Kay’s words. This was worrying. It was only her second day, and already these people had her closer to smiling than she had been for her entire term at Wobani.

Not getting attached might be harder than normal here.

“I would hope, Jyn, that you at least could recognise the beauty of science.”

Jyn looked up at Kay.

“I like physics.” She agreed.

“Good. We can be friends.”

“Cassian, you’re being replaced.” Bodhi sounded amused.

“Never.” Jyn was surprised to hear the slight amusement in Cassian’s voice too. She didn’t think she’d ever heard him sound anything but toneless before.

“I said that Jyn and I could be friends. Cassian is my best friend.”

“My mistake.” Bodhi laughed.

Jyn felt her mouth break into a full blown smile, before she remembered that she wasn’t allowed to get attached and wiped her face blank.

“Your loss.” She hoped the quip didn’t sound too fake.

Bodhi laughed again, but Cassian’s eyes narrowed and she could tell that he, at least, wasn’t convinced.

/

“New girl, you’re with Cassian.”

Jyn didn’t know whether to be surprised or not when Professor Solo paired her with Cassian for the history project. It seemed that, however he managed it, Chirrut really did manage to find out everything.

“You’re looking at the development of aircraft for the Third American War. Should be right up your street Mr Andor.”

Jyn almost smiled. Aircraft? As the daughter of an aerospace engineer she might actually enjoy this project – especially if, as Professor Solo was hinting, Cassian liked the topic too.

Picking up her bag, she moved to sit next to Cassian. He pulled a ridiculously large folder out of the way so she could set her bag on the desk.

“Know anything about TAW aircraft?” He asked.

“My dad’s an aerospace engineer. I know about most aircraft.”

“Mine was a pilot. I’ve been training for my licence since I was 12.”

She’d been at the school for a week, and it was probably the longest conversation she’d had with Cassian, despite them being in the same group every lunch. Jyn was intrigued.

“Looking at commercial or air force?”

“My dad flew for the Resistance.”

“The _Resistance?_ ”

“How is that a surprise? I’m Mexican. All the Mexicans support the Resistance.”

Jyn shrugged. “I suppose so. I don’t know much about the resistance. I’ve always lived in Empire areas, before.”

“What changed?”

“My dad got a new contract. So we moved here.”

It was a vague answer, but Cassian didn’t push.

“So do you want to split up the research, or do it together?”

Normally Jyn would insist on splitting it up, but Cassian intrigued her – and he seemed much more open now they were talking about something he was interested in. She had never seen him this animated.

“I don’t mind. We have a lot of books and plane schematics at home – I’ll start my research there.” Her father would never approve of her inviting someone with Resistance links into their house. He didn’t like the Empire, but he was always careful to hide that. Still… “You’re welcome to join me, or you can research on your own.”

“Join you? At your house?”

“Yes.”

For a few moments, Cassian didn’t speak. Jyn could feel her nerves tingling.

“… What’s your address?”

/

Every time they moved, the Empire provided Jyn and her father with a house. They were always similar in design – two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, an office, and a sitting room. The colour scheme was always Empire black and white, with a dash of red. After so long on the move, neither of the Erso’s had many material possessions to decorate with.

It was going to be immediately obvious to Cassian, if he had grown up with the Resistance, that it was an Empire household.

But then, she’d told Bodhi on her first day that her dad worked with the Empire. Bodhi and Cassian were friends – Cassian probably knew. And even though the school seemed to be a Resistance stronghold, this was still technically an Empire-held town. He probably had friends whose parents were in the Empire.

The situation still made her feel nervous. Jyn kept feeling like she’d made a huge mistake. But she’d made the offer, and now she had to live with the consequences.

She’d picked a day when her father was working late, just in case. It was probably a good idea to keep them from meeting – if only for her father’s protection. The Empire might get suspicious if their prize contractor was seen meeting with a sympathiser of the Resistance.

“Are you sure your parents are OK with me coming over?” Cassian asked as they stepped out of the school gates.

“My father’s always been fine with me having people over for projects.” It had never happened, but she was sure he was fine with it in principle. “He’s working late today, so he won’t be there.”

“Where does he work?”

Perhaps Cassian didn’t know that her father worked for the Empire.

“He contracts.”

There was an awkward silence. Then:

“I’ve never been to the house of an Empire member before.” Cassian’s voice had gone strained.

“He’s not a member. It’s… complicated.” For the first time, Jyn had the urge to explain. But it wasn’t private, and she still didn’t know Cassian. Shouldn’t get to know Cassian – she still shouldn’t get attached to anyone here, and he’d admitted his Resistance ties.

“I see.”

There was another awkward silence.

“If you don’t want to come over, that’s fine.”

“As long as he won’t shoot me if he comes home early.”

“He won’t.” Her father wouldn’t shoot anyone. Jyn was certain of that.

“So that’s why you move so much?”

“The Empire doesn’t like to keep its engineers in the same place for very long. Security reasons I expect. I don’t get told anything. I’m just told when we’re about to move.”

“Sounds lonely.”

Jyn opened her mouth to refute the statement, then closed it again.

“I don’t mind being alone. And besides, I have my father.”

“If mine were alive, I’d probably have the same life.”

Jyn met Cassian’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. And I like it here.”

 _But it might be her father’s fault._ Jyn was starting to worry that spending time with Cassian wasn’t such a good idea after all.

/

“Sorry, neither my father or I are great cleaners.” Jyn stepped through the front door of her house, glancing behind to make sure Cassian was following.

“Or great decorators.” He observed.

“Have you been in an Empire house before?” She couldn’t help but ask.

“Once.” He didn’t offer any more information.

Jyn didn’t push, although she was curious. “Coffee?”

“Please. Black, two sugars.”

Jyn nodded, and headed towards the coffee machine – one of the few things they had brought with them from their previous house. Her dad had built the machine himself and it made the best coffee she had ever tasted.

“I suppose it’s convenient, having a house provided for you.”

“I assume so. We’ve never had to look for a house.”

“Do you check for bugs?”

“My father likes his privacy.”

“Yes or no?” Cassian sounded insistent.

Jyn paused. “We remove the bugs, every time we move house. My dad’s boss visits sometimes, and we have to remove more then. I think they’ve more or less reached an impasse – he has to try and bug my dad, but my dad’s allowed to remove them.”

“Good.” There was a moment of silence. “Can I ask, then, why your dad works for the Empire? If he’s not a member?”

Jyn’s hands slid slowly off the coffee machine. She turned around and met Cassian’s eyes.

“He made some choices, long ago. He’s not proud of them. And you don’t just leave the Empire. You can’t.”

“He could try.”

Her hands balled up into fists.

“Maybe he did.”

They stared at each other. Cassian’s eyes seemed to light up in understanding, then filled with something else. Compassion.

“Your mother.”

Jyn turned back to the coffee machine.

“Don’t”

“I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago.” Jyn’s voice was tight.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and flinched.

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” Cassian’s voice was soft.

“Your coffee.” Jyn shoved the mug sideways, refusing to turn around. His hand was still on her shoulder. She was hanging onto her control by a thread.

For a moment, Cassian didn’t react. Then he sighed, and his hand left her shoulder. She felt his body brush her back as he picked up the mug.

Once she was sure he had moved away, Jyn turned around. She didn’t meet his eyes.

“Textbooks or schematics first?” Her voice only wavered once.

“Schematics.”

Grabbing her own coffee, Jyn tried to push the conversation out of her mind.

“Great. I’ll show you where they are.”

/

Cassian was a great study partner.

He worked quietly and efficiently, making sensible suggestions and observations, and listened attentively to everything Jyn had to say. In any other situation, he would have been brilliant. But the atmosphere was still strained, and Jyn’s mind kept wandering.

She tried to avoid thinking about the Empire, and why her papa allowed them to order him around so much. Why they had to constantly uproot. Why she couldn’t make friends, form any sort of attachment. Why her father hadn’t smiled at anyone except her since that day.

She definitely avoided thinking about that day.

Damn Cassian. Damn him for being intriguing, and making her want to get to know him. Damn him for making her want to invite him home. Damn him for making her think about all of these things when she knew they would just bring her pain.

And damn him for being so fucking attractive with that pen between his teeth, because he was of the Resistance, and she was of the Empire, and even if she had been allowed to form attachments, she certainly couldn’t get attached to him.

“Jyn?” His voice pierced through her thoughts.

“Yes Cassian?”

“I think this schematic’s wrong.”

“I doubt it. These are all official schematics – copies of the actual designs.”

“This wing angle would never have been compatible with flight.”

“Maybe it was a failed prototype? Is that the X50?”

“The X50 wasn’t a failed prototype – my dad flew one.”

“Your dad flew an _X50?_ In the _Resistance?_

“You’re sure this house isn’t bugged?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

Cassian gave a hollow laugh. “I’ve known you for a week and your father works for the Empire. I don’t trust anyone, but if I did…” He paused. “It’s nothing personal.”

That stung. Jyn understood. She didn’t really trust anyone either, and she was the daughter of the enemy so to speak. But still…

“It isn’t bugged. You can check for yourself if you want.”

Cassian shook his head. “I don’t not trust you. I just…” He spat out something in Spanish. It was the first time Jyn had heard him speak it.

“Why?”

“Yes, my dad flew an X50 in the Resistance. You can’t infiltrate the Empire in an obviously enemy ship – but X50 plans were easy to get hold of, so the Resistance built a few. He spent years spying. He took me up in that ship a few times. It was good enough to fool the Empire, so its design must have been accurate, but I know the wings were less angled than this. This couldn’t have flown. I could draw the correct angle with my eyes closed.”

For a moment, Jyn wondered if she should take Cassian’s hand for comfort. The pain in his voice was obvious. Then the moment passed, and she reached out for the schematic instead.

He might say that he didn’t trust her, but that was very personal. Maybe he wasn’t as honest about that as he claimed.

And if he was trusting her…

“My dad did alter some of them.”

“The X50s?”

“The schematics.”

“If he thought this would be a better wing design he isn’t a very good engineer.”

Jyn bit back a cutting retort.

“He can’t leave the Empire. That doesn’t mean he can’t resist them, in his own way.”

For a moment, Cassian seemed stunned.

“You’re saying-“

“It doesn’t get repeated. Anywhere. To anyone. He could die.”

“I promise.” Cassian’s eyes met hers.

The first few times, Jyn had thought Cassian’s eyes looked blank. Empty. But now they were so deep and full of emotion, she wondered how that could have ever been the case.

“I can’t lose him too.” She didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“Jyn.” Then Cassian’s arms were around her.

Jyn hadn’t been hugged by anyone other than her father since her mother had died. She collapsed into Cassian like a puppet with its strings cut, her entire body trembling.

They stayed in that position for a long time.

/

It was strange being around Cassian in school, after spending time with him out of it.

In school, he was quiet. Reserved. He hung around Kay like a shadow, or a minder, only interjecting when Kay made a particularly outlandish comment. Even in history, he discussed the project with only a fraction of the intensity he showed outside of school.

He hid so much of himself away. In some ways, he was so similar to Jyn it was scary.

Everyone seemed to have noticed that their dynamic had changed. Chirrut sent them oddly knowing looks, and Jyn would swear Baze had winked at her once after she’d made eye contact with Cassian. Bodhi gave little smiles, and asked Jyn if she was happy. Kay tried to announce something about compatibility scores but Cassian clapped one hand over his mouth before he could get it out.

It was almost like they thought they were dating. But that wasn’t what was happening at all.

Sure, Jyn found Cassian attractive. She expected that most people did. He already had stubble, which was more than most boys their age, and his clothes hinted at muscle underneath them. But this wasn’t some sort of aesthetically-influenced crush. Jyn couldn’t picture herself ever having a crush.

Cassian was just _captivating_. He was a conundrum. He was smart, and ambitious, and loyal. He believed absolutely and unequivocally in a cause and Jyn thought he’d sacrifice everything for it, if he had to. He had a tragic past – she knew very little about it, but she knew enough that there was a great deal of pain there. But he coped so much better than she did. She didn’t think he coped well – but did anyone truly cope well with pain?

So it wasn’t that Jyn wanted to date him. She wanted to _know_ him, inside and out. And no, she wouldn’t be opposed to kissing him, or sleeping with him, or any of those things. But that wasn’t her primary aim. It wasn’t like that.

As lovely as the others were, she didn’t think they could quite understand that.

But, of course, she shouldn’t get attached. It was getting harder and harder to remind herself of that. But she couldn’t get too close to Cassian, because she would surely have to leave.

And if she got too close, her leaving might not just break her. It might break Cassian too.

/

“What do you want to do?”

“Right now?” Jyn glanced up from her textbook on the history of aviation and locked eyes with Cassian.

“No, in general. In the future. What do you want to do?”

“I suppose I’ve never really thought about it.”

That was a lie.

“Bullshit.” Cassian closed his own textbook, clasping his hands in front of him.

Jyn sighed.

“I can’t leave my father. And my father can’t leave the Empire. So I suppose I’ll probably end up in the same thing as him. It could be worse. I like engineering, and papa says I’m good at it.”

“You’re happy to just start working for the Empire?”

“Happy? Of course not. But my father’s more important to me than anything else.”

Jyn watched as the corner of Cassian’s mouth tensed. She’d known her answer wouldn’t please him. But it was the truth.

“Would he not want you to get out?”

“I can’t leave him.”

“Even if he would want you too?”

“Drop it, Cassian.”

Jyn pointedly looked back down at her textbook. She heard Cassian sigh, and tried to calm the swirling thoughts in her head.

She couldn’t leave her father. He was the only constant left in her life. Without him…

Attachment really was a dangerous thing.

“The Resistance would want you.”

“Cassian! I said drop it!”

Jyn met Cassian’s eyes with a glare. The fury echoed within them sent something shivering down her spine.

“No! I won’t drop it! You’re throwing away your life! And if your dad cares about you nearly as much as you think, I don’t think he’d want that! _I_ don’t want that!”

“ _You_ don’t want that? And why should it matter what you want?”

A stream of Spanish shot past Cassian’s lips, and another shiver went down Jyn’s spine.

“It doesn’t matter.” He finally spat. “It doesn’t matter, and I know that, but _damnit_ Jyn. I –“ his words dissolved into Spanish again.

“It’s my life.”

“No. If you do this, it’ll be the Empire’s life. It’s probably been the Empire’s life since your mother died.”

Something cracked in Jyn’s chest. Pain like she hadn’t felt for years exploded through her.

“Get out.”

“Jyn-“

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.”

She waited for the door to slam before she allowed herself to cry.

/

“I’m sorry.”

It was a Saturday, and Jyn was doing a grocery run. She hadn’t expected to have to deal with Cassian until the Monday. She considered ignoring him, but she could feel the pain in her chest at the thought. Damn Cassian Andor and his ability to sneak into her heart.

She shouldn’t get attached. But apparently it was too late to avoid that now.

“You weren’t wrong.” Jyn admitted quietly, staring at the shelves of broccoli.

“But I shouldn’t have said it like that. It was cruel.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“Help me carry my groceries?” Jyn finally asked.

“Your groceries?”

“My dad’s out. Help me take my groceries home. We can talk.”

Cassian met Jyn’s eyes. He seemed to be looking for something in them.

Then he nodded. “Sure. I’ll tell my mum I’ll be late home.”

/

“My dad was in the Empire for years. He rose up the ranks in the Engineering division, and eventually he became the head of Engineering. He was happy. He met my mum, and they had me, and everything was good. But then… he found out something.”

Jyn glanced at Cassian. She was perched on the edge of her bed, twisting her sleeves together in her fingers. He gave her an encouraging smile.

“They were making plans for a super weapon. Something that would destroy the Resistance forever. Something about the idea spooked my dad – I don’t think he’d realised, before, quite what the Empire was. He and my mum made plans. They decided to leave.

They took me and moved far away – to Canada. They changed their names, bought a farm. Completely left behind that life.

But the Empire doesn’t just let people leave. Eventually, they found us. Told my dad he had to come back or they’d kill us all. My mum tried to stop them taking him. They killed her. They threatened to kill me. My dad only agreed to return to them to save my life.

In a way, I suppose it’s my fault he works for the Empire.”

“It’s not your fault.” Cassian interrupted. “It’s the Empire’s fault.”

“If he hadn’t had to protect me-“

“He didn’t have to. He chose to, because he’s a good man and he loves you.”

Cassian reached forward and took Jyn’s hand. “You can’t blame yourself for this.”

Jyn nodded. Cassian’s hand was surprisingly soft in hers.

“How long ago was that?”

“I think I was nine. I can hardly remember. I try not to, most of the time.”

“I was six when my father died. They blew his cover. We didn’t find out until weeks later. It wasn’t the first time he’d disappeared. I refused to believe he was dead. I was sure that, at some point, he was just going to walk in having faked his own death.”

Jyn squeezed Cassian’s hand gently. “I’m sure he was a great man.”

“I’m going to join the Resistance for him. In his memory. I learnt to fly for him, and I’m going to finish what he started.”

“He’d be proud of you.”

“I hope so. Kay always said so. He’s going to be my co-pilot.” Cassian paused. “Bodhi’s going to join up as well. There’s always room for you, if you want.”

There was a vice around Jyn’s heart. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask. But don’t make any decision for me. Make it for you.”

/

“My father’ll be home soon. He doesn’t stay as late on a Saturday – he hates working Saturday shifts.”

“I should go, then.” Jyn wasn’t sure at what point she’d shifted to lay her head on Cassian’s shoulder, or when he’d laid his head on hers. But as she sat up, she instantly missed his warmth.

“He’d like you, if he met you. But if the Empire found out…”

“I understand.”

Suddenly, Jyn wanted Cassian to ask to stay.

“Will you be alright getting home? It’s dark.”

“I’ve lived here for years, Jyn. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“It’s an Empire area though.”

“I can look after myself.”

Jyn turned towards him at the same moment he turned towards her. For a moment, they simply looked at each other.

Then their lips were meeting.

There were no fireworks. Her lips were chapped, and they were both unpractised, but in that moment, it still felt perfect.

Jyn pulled back first. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest.

“I can’t ask you to stay.” She murmured. “But I want you to.”

“And I can’t stay.” He replied. “But I want to.”

The moment held.

Then Cassian pressed a kiss to her cheek and stood up. “I’ll see you on Monday, Jyn.”

Even after his footsteps faded, Jyn didn’t move from her position on the bed. She had a lot of thinking to do.


End file.
